In light of the recent attacks in Paris and other events that don’t get as much media coverage around the world on a daily basis, I wanted to share a personal story about talking to my daughters about tragedies.
Scary events happen ALL the time and as parents, it is hard to make sense of them, so imagine how your child(ren) might be feeling when they see or hear things that are incomprehensible.
As parents, it is our job to help our kids feel loved, safe and secure all the time so it can seem impossible to answer the questions “why do bad things happen?” “Why did so-and-so die?” “Why do people want to kill people?” “Why are there bad people in the world?”
We can all hope that tragedies won’t happen to our families or in our home towns, but it may, so how do you help your children cope in the face of fear?
After watching paramedics and firefighters work on her baby brother in her family room and my husband and I having to tell her that he would never be coming back home, you can only imagine how confusing this was for our daughter. She was 3 at the time, and didn’t understand why we were so sad, why there were so many people coming in and out of our house and WHY she couldn’t hold and kiss her little brother anymore. Through lots of prayer, love, patience and understanding, we helped her cope with her fears and answered her questions as best we could. We didn’t force her to talk about it, we followed her lead. Our goal was to let her know she was loved and that daddy and mommy would do everything in our power to keep her safe. We reassured her whenever she needed it and answered her as best we could with answers that her little mind would be able to understand.
Fast forward to January 8, 2011, when US Representative Gabrielle Giffords was shot in a grocery store parking lot here in Tucson and a little girl, the same age as our daughter, Christina Taylor-Green was also shot and killed. All of a sudden, she was brought back to the night her brother died and her safe and secure world disappeared. She changed, became sad and withdrawn, had stomach issues, problems sleeping and was scared. Instead of assuming, we asked her questions about what she had heard about the event? Then we only answered her questions, but didn’t elaborate. We listened to her fears and concerns, hugged her tightly and cuddled her, but we couldn’t make her scared feelings go away. Her little 9 year old world was once again rocked. This happened here, in our home town to a little girl the same age, she related to it and it brought back a flood of memories and fear. We validated her feelings and stayed available for her questions. We kept the news and radio off to keep the details away from her and tried to maintain a sense of normalcy for her while our community mourned.
Our daughter, who loved to go to the grocery store with her daddy, to have some alone time, now feared it. We couldn’t blame her for that so we found other ways for them to hang out and stopped asking her if she wanted to go. We took her to a wonderful counselor who helped her work through her fears and anxieties and gave her great tools to help her sleep and work through her feelings. We put her little sister in bed with her to help her feel safe at night. She drew pictures of what scared her, we burned them or ripped them up to signify that they were gone and out of her system. They could no longer hold power over here. We stopped watching any type of shows that had gun shots or sirens in them and we didn’t discuss any of her fears after dinner. Our evenings were positive, family oriented FUN.
As she continued to feel stronger, we let her lead and answered her questions as honestly as we could all the while providing reassurance that we would always do whatever we had to, to keep her safe. Eventually the fear loosened its grip on her and she became the happy girl we knew, she smiled more, laughed more and was at ease in her little world. She kicked her sister out of her room at night and felt safe to come to us as concerns would try to creep back in. We will continue to keep all lines of communication open as tragedies can be used as great tools for discussion and compassion. There are still days 11 years later when I hear a siren and she is with me, that my heart skips a beat knowing that she may always struggle with loss but will not be crippled with fear. I am grateful for her resilience and her knowing that she will always have my unconditional love, a big hug and listening ear to hear and validate her feelings.
Since we can’t shield our kids from everything and it is impossible to give all the answers to why bad things such as death, war, abuse, murders, shootings, fires, earthquakes, hurricanes, tsunamis happen, we can tell them how much we love them and let them know that we are here for them and will do our best to take care of them. Children need to know that it is ok to feel sad and scared and that there is nothing wrong with them for feeling that way. Listen, reassure and validate their feelings. Be honest with them and offer information based on their questions without giving too much of the details. When the inevitable questions come, pull them into your embrace, take a deep breath and let them know that you too are sad and worried about the news, but you are there to answer their questions and you love them.
There are a lot of great books, articles, counselors and families out there to help you and your child cope with feelings after a tragedy occurs. Reach out and ask, turn off the TV, radio and social media and tune in to your children.